According to a trusted source, the Queen has expressed great outrage at the exclusion of what she calls “real English support” from the preview release of the Windows 8.1 preview for her Surface. It’s not widely known that the Queen loves technology, but she knows that tablets aren’t just little pills that you have to hide in the pâté that the royal corgis are spoon fed each morning in order to keep their intestinal tracts parasite free.

She is encouraging a good old English boycott, which involves putting the cricket bat and ball away, and pulling up stumps, followed by aggressive foot stomping on the green. After several minutes of this the recommendation is to head inside the clubhouse for some afternoon tea and cake, and maybe even some scones.

As she is royalty, she does not condone the use of colourful language, which is very, very, very different to colorful language. Just don’t say pack after language, otherwise the discontent will escalate.

More breaking news to come…